Insecurity is Jockeying for Position

Where I’m staying right now there are horses being boarded. The horses happily graze all day on the fields surrounding the house. I’ve come to know their idiosyncracies in the few weeks I’ve been here.

They come and go as their owners drop them off and pick them up. This weekend was no exception. A couple of horses left the enclosure and two new ones were added to the mix. One of the horses wasn’t so sure about the new residents and has been somewhat testy around them. There have been a few head bunts, a few backward kicks and the water trough hasn’t seen so much action as they jockey for position.

Like the horse I have a few moments of testiness from time to time. There was a situation that came up once ( Once?  Heck, who am I kidding .. that’d be more than once in my lifetime)  that I viewed as an attempt to side step past me and take me out of the picture.

As a result of it, I ran smack dab into the face of insecurity. I’ve blindly run into this uneasy feeling before in jobs, in social circles, in relationships and it creates a whole lot of thought rot in my mind. It usually begins with thoughts like, ‘hey what about me?’ or ‘ what are your real intentions?”,  or  “trying to get something for nothing, are you? “, and eventually after I’ve stewed in my own negative poor me juices, grows into a few well placed ‘kicks’ to show those around me that they’ve strayed into my field of green.

The thing is, that it’s me, not anyone else being insecure or deliberately making me feel insecure. No matter the other parties intention, my insecurity is all my doing. My insecurity is most likely the result of past situations where, for reasons only the universe can say for sure, I’ve been left out of the winner’s circle and those scenarios have been burned deep inside my mind, leaving nothing but emotional ashes in it’s path.

If I had known what I know today that would have never happened. The benefit of becoming aware of your unconscious thought patterns is that this rotting can’t take hold anymore and drive you into a deep abyss of self pity and anger with physical manifestations like, the all favorite kicking and screaming or other stress illness symptoms. (On an aside, stress illness was the subject of our podcast a few weeks ago, The Attitude Shift.)

I won’t be able to go into the entire scenario here, however, I’ll attempt to share with you the details in a way you will understand the process I went through to catch the negative thoughts and replace them with ones that benefit me and the people around me.

It all started when someone approached my business partner, Donna M.,  directly and invited her somewhere on her own. Now that’s of course, not uncommon, yet for some reason my spidey sense went haywire. This person then proceeded to make nice to Donna (which she immediately saw through as we’ve had this happen to us before).  This person attempted to reach Donna’s “it’s all about me side” (which we all have if we are truthful with ourselves) and practically moved in with her. From my perspective gushing over Donna in itself is warranted, she’s a good woman and I’ve seen this type of behavior before so it’s not a new notion for me to get used to.

She’s our spokesperson and it’s her role to be the public face of the company. This time, something snapped and I perceived there was something untoward occurring on that person’s part. This caused  me some anxiety and grief. I viewed this person as being purposely exclusive of the rest of our group as the conversations were about aspects of the business, and that opened the door for insecurity to make an appearance. When insecurity shows up at the party, it takes the life out of the party.

Although we’ve had similar situations happen over the year since we’ve been together as a partnership, I wasn’t in awareness mode back then to recognize the feelings that came of it, as I did this time. Back then, it took a very long time to unravel the feelings that were wound tightly inside. This time, it took me a day or two to recognize the feelings I was having about this person and harness my thoughts for a positive outcome. How did that process work ?

1. I am incredibly more aware of my feelings and thoughts these days than I ever have been thanks to the introspection I’ve been learning to do as a result of being open to making positive shifts in my life. As I am more and more tuned in, I find the light bulb clicks on and much sooner each time a negatively charged emotional situation flashes before me.

2. Once I caught those mind-bending thoughts and considered where they were coming from, I knew it was not the person but their behavior that triggered feelings of insecurity in me. It was a pattern I was seeing re-occur. A pattern that had not served me well in the past but one I let continue.

3. Next, I looked to people in my inner circle for guidance and understanding. I talked about my feelings. Spent some time analyzing why and what to do about the situation as opposed to running at the mouth and saying things that are better left in my head. Holding my tongue is wise but  holding feelings in does nothing to manage them and can result in stronger more destructive feelings to surface.

Donna called to talk about what the person wanted. During that conversation she said something that resulted in me lashing out at her  just a touch. It was a sentence she used, were the word I replaced the word we. The community we are creating is a team effort and so I did the ‘well if you want to do it on your own, go right ahead” type of response. She was far from infering that she wanted to go it alone, but had inadvertently used a word that has the potential to exclude others, and it immediately poured salt into my open wound. As she is also an awareness seeker, she immediately knew what was going on. It wasn’t about her or the other person but the situation resembled situations I had shared with her from my past where I ended up feeling like I got the short end of the stick.  She said just that. My feelings were a result of past hurts and my ego showing too many teeth for polite company.

There was one time when I had been offered a percentage in a business but the contracts hadn’t been signed however I put my all into the project, did a fair amount of the work, and put my trust in the people involved, and while we were waiting to ink our names on a page of legalese to seal the deal, another person came into the picture that caught the principal operators eye and poof in an instant I was unceremoniously put out to pasture. It left me chomping at the bit and until recently in fact, it has festered inside.

This time was different. With Donna’s unwavering support and understanding, (the true nature of The Broke Wives Club) I recognized it immediately when she mentioned it. Yes, of course I’m feeling insecure, that’s it exactly and it is all coming from me and my interpretation of the data around me. Having now been in touch with those particular feelings I will know the next time it happens and let go. I have no reason to worry about what my future holds as I look back at the previous situation I am grateful that other person showed up as I would not be where I am today involved in a successful venture with incredible, aware-ness seeking individuals like Donna M.

Insecurity when it shows up in my thought processes, will find itself put out the pasture as I busy myself with the things that matter and sow the seeds of success instead of letting the weeds choke out the beauty of my life. I won’t however race through life with blinders on anymore so if you want to share my green pasture, do it with good intentions, no pushing and shoving at the water cooler and a make sure there’s a ton of old fashioned fun and horsing around.


3 responses to this post.

  1. insecurity…wow what a concept for all of us to grasp…we are all at some time or another insecure with either ourself or our situation…one thing to ponder on is that “our perception is our reality” so it is as we think it is. So is the key to change how we think? of course it is…..we either change how we think about things or change our situations. Easier said than done but heres a quote I like….”You don’t get in life what you want. You get in life what you are!!” Think about it.


  2. Our life experiences and our birth order often leave us injured in one way or another. Being on the defensive is unattractive. However, as I continue on my life journey, I rely on my instincts that I used to ignore or make excuses for. Feeling that I felt when I was “thrown under the bus” so to speak, arise.

    I’m not purposely out to get me, but sometimes I am my worst enemy. However, as I work with me, I am definitely going to protect me and my child within. When I don’t stand up for myself, my heart constricts, and she, my child within, whines. When I stand up for me, she applauds.

    Sometimes I feel testy or just plain hurt and angry, but why am feeling the same emotions I felt when I was in harm’s way? What happens if I ignore what I am feeling? I mean this is my pattern—to ignore—or it used to be.

    I usually blame me and continue to hang around with negativity. The emotions continue to surface and the same players are in the picture, but we’re not on the same team—yet, my signals beg to differ. I open my eyes

    My child within is moaning and groaning, yet I don’t take heed. Of course, I analyze the picture. What am I doing? What are you doing? What did I say? What did you say? How many times have we discussed this? Oh, so you didn’t hear me?

    What time is it? Dismissal time. Whew! I feel better. In fact, I’m relieved, and the child within says yippee.

    Abused folks blame themselves for everything. It’s easier even though you can’t breathe. If I fall for everything, I stand for nothing.

    I STAND! Nobody’s perfect.

    Case-in-point, I know when I am being abused, disrespected, and misused. You see, I have a host of negative emotions and feelings that only arise when I need them. I am thankful for those positive emotions. Because of them, I know the difference between night and day. I do blame me for taking leave. That is why I Smile.

    As far as insecurity,show me the person who is always secure, and I will show you perfection.

    Vivian Dixon Sober


    • Vivian,
      Thank you for adding your take. It is this type of dialogue that both Donna M. and I are attempting to start through the club. We share the fears, tears and sneers in our lives so even just one person, someone like you stands up and says yes this is what I’m feeling and this is what I’m going to do about it. To take a look, an introspective look at our life’s today, as they are, as we’ve made them and decide if that’s good enough or do we want more. If we want more, it is my opinion we need to make room for it in our minds, our hearts and our souls. As I’ve said many times before we just take off the rose- colored glasses and put on our transition lens to see our path more clearly. The path we really want to be on, the path to the destiny awaiting us.

      – Siobhan


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